Thursday, December 5, 2013

She, We, I......

The other day I was searching on the web to see if I could find some "believe" quotes. You know, believe in yourself, you are strong, you are capable, ect.  It is something I think everyone needs to hear and many of us do not hear it often enough. Those that suffer from mental illness tend not to hear it at all or worse yet, it simply fails to truly sink in. It falls on deaf ears that are either too unwilling or too broken to accept it. We don't always hear the the positive. What we do hear is a lot of negative. "You are fat, you are stupid, you are ugly, you are worthless, why can't you just be normal, Oh my God, you are so messed up"... and that is just our minds talking. God only knows what some of us have to endure from the outside as well.

It can be really hard to believe that we are good, worthy, strong, capable individuals. After all, if you call someone by a certain name long enough they will answer to it. What  do we call ourselves?  Weird? Freakish? Stupid? Worthless? Unlovable? Unacceptable? Broken? Damaged goods? Are these the names we allow ourselves to answer to? 

I found more positive quotes than you could shake a stick at, but the one that resonated with me, the one that spoke to the dark corners of my soul and peeled back it's dry rotted wallpaper was, "She believed she could, so she did."

I let it roll around on my tongue as I read it aloud. It sat heavy in the air like an accusing glance. It stuck in my throat and forced me to heave my breath in large gasps around the obstruction like an exhausted horse that has been ran too hard....I have been running too hard so much so, that I am sometimes no longer able to tell if I am running to something or away from it.

These words brightened the light-less places in my mind, it shed me of my negative thoughts much like a snake sheds old tattered skin. It rebirthed me and baptized me by fire. It made me ponder just what on earth I am allowing myself to believe about myself. That I am incapable? Do I really believe that I am incapable of being who I want or of doing what I want to do?


 She believed.
 She could.
 So she did.

I am not incapable. Yes, there are somethings I have issues with. There is definitely things I do not do well. There are situations that I may falter at or even completely suck at. But there are also things I excel at. There are times when I am functioning at maxim capacity, kicking butt and taking names. There are things that I am extremely talented at. And the things I can't do I can work around and still get the desired affect in most cases. I am complicated and different and even sometimes a handful but I am never incapable as a person. I am never incapable as a human being. I am never incapable.

I don't know why we tell ourselves that we can't. I don't know why it is easier to believe the bad things about ourselves rather than believe and revel in the good. I do not understand why we accept and allow ourselves to name ourselves things we are not and worse yet, we allow ourselves to believe them over and over again for years. What are these ridiculous and harmful notions that we keep perpetuating to ourselves and why?

Why is it so hard to believe that we CAN? We can do things even if they have to be done in a different way. We can find love. We can be happy. We can be honest and whole and accepted. And not just that we CAN but we ARE. We are lovable. We are strong. We are good people. We are allowed to accept ourselves and live happy lives. We are worthy and magnificent and unique and spectacular. We are what makes life different and colorful and beautiful...We CAN and we ARE.

Instead of She believed she could so she did, I think we should change the She to I. I think anytime we get bogged down and scared, anytime we fear failure or success, anytime we get that overwhelmingly niggling negative voice tells us we can't, we aren't, or we won't  that we look in the mirror at our bloodshot eyes, our exhausted faces, and at our pain stricken grimaces and tell ourselves the truth. It should be the first thing we say when we are under the covers trying to dredge up the will to get out of the bed in the morning. It should be the substance we stir in our morning cup of coffee with the cream and spelnda. The mantra we say when we are brushing our teeth, the comment we make after we read the paper, what we say after each negative thought, each step we place firmly on the ground, with every heartbeat, every sigh, every intake and exhalation of breath. The one thing we tell ourselves every moment of ever day because we are worth it. Because we deserve to hear it and what's more, we deserve to believe it. 

It shouldn't be just: 

She believed. 
She could.
So she did.

It should be:

We believed. 
We could.
 So we did.

and:

I believe. 
I can.
So I will.

Because it is true. Because we can. Because we matter. Because we are worth it.
Neurotic Nelly


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