Thursday, April 18, 2013

Be A Good Girl

Growing up with OCD was very hard. I have the kind of OCD that makes me strive to be good. As a child I was overly well behaved. Some of that is due to my southern upbringing. Yes Mam/Sir and no Mam/Sir when being told to do something. I never talked back. As I like to say, my face would have been slapped off if I did. It was not a strict upbringing, but being raised southern means RESPECT, is always in order. You do not disrespect you elders. You do not yell or curse at them, not unless you enjoy being back handed. As a result I am still a very respectful person. Any spankings or "picking a switch" were well deserved, although usually if I received one it was due to something my brother put me up to. Picking a switch to those unfamiliar with the practice,it's a country thing, is having to go pick a branch on a tree and giving it to the person who is gong to spank you. There are rules to picking a switch. It can not be a twig. Never get a very green stick. It would be limber and feel like a whip on your butt. It may seem archaic to some people that did not grow up like this, but it did teach me to be responsible. You come back with a twig and see what happens. Usually, the picking the switch was actually the punishment. The dread of being spanked and having to pick responsibly was more than any spanking could do.  On the rare occasions I was spanked, it was with a belt. I was never beat. I was never smacked in anger. There was always a lecture before and after. There was always I love you's and this hurts me more than you. They loved me very much and I was never spanked without warnings first. Every time I was spanked it was for something that could have hurt or killed me.When you live in the country there are things that can be very dangerous. It was never because they just were in a bad mood. I had terrific, loving, responsible parents. I grew up in a time that you could be spanked or paddled in school. You could spank your child in front of God and everybody and unless you got out of hand, absolutely no one said anything to you about it.
There was also a lot of standing in the corner. Standing in the corner was usually the form of punishment I received. It worked well for me.
My OCD is also the reason I was so well behaved. I was always afraid that I was doing bad or being bad. Maybe because of the intrusive thoughts and images I became obsessed with being good. I needed to be a good girl. I ,on a number of occasions' put myself in the corner. My parents would come in and ask why I was standing in the corner and tell me that I did nothing wrong. Adults always liked me because unlike their children, I always did what I was told and strived to make them happy with me. I always felt guilty and not good enough. I searched for praise and acceptance from others. It made me become a people pleaser. I have had to have therapy to learn to tell others no when I don't want to do something, or if something makes me uncomfortable. I was always able to say no to illegal things and things that were dangerous because I did not want to be bad. I would ,however, give all I had or allow myself to be taken advantage of. It was like I had a huge moral complex.  I needed to please everyone but also do the right thing. My life is full of some bad decisions and the guilt that I was not perfect.
I have had to have therapy to get over my guilt complex. It is a struggle to this day to deal with my overwhelming guilt. I never make fun of people or start arguments, because I want to be a good person. I avoid bad situations so I can be a good person. My life is always a battle to be a good girl. In retrospect, I do try to be decent to everyone. I give people  the benefit of the doubt. I give all I have to help others. Being a good person is my personality.  It can come back to bite me in the butt. Still I strive to be the better person in arguments or the one gives to others. I can not lie, steal, or cheat. I do not cheat at games. I am always as honest as I can possibly be. To lie or steal is wrong and I am terrified of being seen as bad. I have heard all of my life that I am sweet. That I am caring. I feel so much for others. I am not sure if I would be that way if it weren't for my OCD. I always need to be the good little girl. As I grew I became the good little girl trapped in a woman's body. I must be good. So, I am.


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