Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Commitment issues

Commitment issues. I am the poster child for commitment issues. Not relationship wise but with other things. I love people with tattoos. I think they are very creative and beautiful. I especially love the tattoo sleeves. I could never do that. I could never commit to something that permanent.
  I was always called the goody two shoes growing up. It is not that I don't like fun. I am not a fan of risk. It is because of my OCD. It has kept me safe as a child a teenager. Whispering things to me to prevent me from doing dangerous things. No car surfing or touching light sockets for me. I have always been to sensitive to hurt others or do something that would upset others. I never stole or lied. I never went out past my curfew. I never snuck out of the house. That would upset my mother and I would never purposely do that. It was because I respect her but it was on a greater level my OCD. I was always made fun of because of my hesitation to do things other children or teenagers would do. My OCD has always had it's input in my actions. So much so, that I avoided things in my life that I might have had a great time doing. They were deemed dangerous to my brain and so I always said no. I don't regret it, but sometimes I wonder if I come off as a flake or boring.
I would love to have full sleeves of tattoos but I know that it is not my personality. I would love to wear my hair in a Betty Page style but I would never try. It would be something I would probably end up hating and might not look good on me.  Then I would be stuck looking stupid until it grew back. I can't commit to it.
I march to the beat of my own drum , but I have major respect for those that go further. They are amazing to me. They are something I have never been. They are not afraid of rejection or judgment. They just walk down the street like a colorful bauble admist the grey. They stand out and they are brave and beautiful. I always wanted to be the bad ass chick everyone respected. Instead I am the straight laced quiet girl that loves vintage clothes and shoes. I am a nerdy, funny, woman who never steps out of her bounds. Fear is a palpable motivator.
If my mind were a visible thing. I think it would be tattoos and designs. It would be colorful and wispy. It would be loud music and crazy fashions. It would be rock posters and country western boots. It would be Dr. Who scarves and crazy big hats. It would be shiny baubles and rusted keys. It would show all that I am and all that I would like to be.\

We all think about things we wish we could do or be. It is only natural to wonder what it is like being someone else. When I walk down the street and walk past someone, I always wonder what their life is like. Is their family good to them? What do they do for fun? What is dinner like at their dinner table? Do all the kids  run to the table and discuss their days with each other? What music do they listen to? What are their opinions and beliefs? I guess I am weird.
I am a thinker. I think way more than I should. I over analyze everything. I am always running through things in my mind. 
I think different is beautiful. [tweet this]. I think odd is magnificent. I don't want to be like everyone else. Unique is a magical thing. It is freeing. I love that people can be themselves and be unafraid of others reactions. I am not totally able to feel that way. I am working on it, though.

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