Control

I don't like roller coasters. I hate them with a passion. I hate the speed, the turns, the going up and over. I loath being out of control.  That is exactly what living with OCD is like. The ups and downs. The speed rushing through day after day of unwanted images and thoughts. The feeling of falling over the edge. The being upside down and seeing how far you have to fall. The fear of crashing into the earth at break neck speed and the loss of control to stop it. The image of my feet dangling hundreds of feet above the ground. The roller coaster of life where most people scream with joy and throw their hands up in the air. I sit there grinding my teeth and holding on with a white knuckle grip. I hold on so tight that my hands cramp and my nails have gauged my palms.
I hate the loss of control. Control of my surroundings but mostly the control of myself.
I don't feel the need to control others but I must always be in control of myself. I do not drink. I am not fond of the taste, but worse yet, I detest being drunk because I am not capable of being in total control. I am a self control freak.  I hate pain medication. It makes me feel groggy and not in total control of myself. I only take it if I can not stand the pain. I would rather be in physical pain than feel out of control. I like plans and lists.They comfort me. I do, however, like to be spontaneous. It doesn't bother me to not do things in the plan or lists. I still like to write them though. I would love having a maid. However, if she cleaned my house it would be wrong. Wrong because it wasn't done the way I do it in the order I would do it in. I would love to be the parent that can let the children decorate the Christmas tree. Oh, I let them put the bulbs on but as soon as the leave the room I have to rearrange them. OCD has taken away the easiest things a parent can do from me. I have been dubbed the Christmas tree Nazi. Not a pleasant name. It is sadly not untrue. I can not look at it unless it is perfect. My husband usually puts the tree up and ushers the children away from me because I can easily get cranky until it is perfect. I would love to be the parent that lets them throw tinsel everywhere( I have banned tinsel from my home), put up paper rings(reminds me of nursing homes), and place the bulbs all willy-nilly. I also must have white lights, no multi-colored lights please. This is satisfying to me to have it perfect but it hurts me when I realize that I can not share it with my kids. This coming Christmas I am going to get  another tree and let them decorate theirs while I decorate mine. That way I can have them participate with me. That's what living with OCD is all about. Finding ways around our illness so that we can still participate with others in a meaningful way.
Slowly I have learned to loosen the grip of the roller coaster. I have learned to let some things go. Others that I can not let go of I find ways around them. Like the Christmas tree thing. It is possible to find ways around my disorder. It just takes a little more creativity. A little more gumption to come up with ideas on how to do what I want without being held back by my OCD and all that comes with it. So, although I still hate roller coasters maybe I can find a way to be less scared of them. I can maybe learn to accept less control of myself. It is a work in progress.
Life is always a work in progress and I am ok with that. [tweet this].
                                     Neurotic Nelly