Friday, April 12, 2013
Did I Turn It Off?
The coffee pot was my nemesis today. I was excited to go to my kid's school to see my oldest perform in an earth day play.(Yes I know it is not earth day today, but I am not in charge of the schedule.) I was made up and ready to go. My dad came over and picked me up. I couldn't wait to see how the play was going to be, and then it hit me. Did I turn off the coffee pot? The anxiety rose. I could feel the bile in my throat. I wanted to scream. I do not remember turning the coffee pot on but I usually do every morning. I did not remember turning it off. I don't even think I had coffee this morning. It really didn't matter whether I had remembered or not because the OCD was blatantly waving it's ugly head in my face and I was sunk. I knew that if I didn't check I would not be able to enjoy the school play. Thankfully my dad is awesome and turned the car around so I could check.We were already half way to the school. He looked at me and said "OCD?" and I said yes. Although he was magnificent about it, I still felt the over whelming embarrassment and guilt that I had to have him turn the car around.
Yes, I checked and I admit it. I usually don't give in to my OCD but I do have a simple coffee pot that does not turn itself off. I could just envision the liquid boiling out, the glass breaking and fire spewing out of the top of the coffee pot. I was afraid of burning my house down. I got out of the car, walked up the steps, battled my neighbors cat who believes he lives in my house but dislikes my actual cats, and unlocked the door only to find that I never had turned on the coffee pot in the first place.UGH!
So yes today, I lost the battle of checking. I feel like I let myself down a little bit. I usually don't even entertain my OCD thoughts. I guess one time in the last five years is acceptable. Oh well, the play was terrific and adorable as all school plays with your kids in them are. I was able to relax after I unplugged the coffee pot that wasn't on. I had a great time. My kid was great as all the other children were great too. I guess that is all I have to blab about today.
I know that sometimes I might falter in my battle with OCD. Occasionally I may slip up and do a compulsion. I will try my damnedest not to do it again. Sigh. Stupid coffee pots.
Neurotic Nelly
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I do not have a diagnosis of OCD, but I certainly can relate to this feeling of anxiety surrounding unsteady memories. While it may have felt that you were faltering in your battle, it sounds like this particular incident still was within the realm of normal thoughts and behavior. You deserve to allow yourself some kindness - your progress is so impressive!
ReplyDeleteI've done the exact same thing over my coffee pot. My garage door, too. Do OCD symptoms get worse when you follow the compulsion?
ReplyDeleteTy very much Caroline! Yes I believe this time isn't a representation of hoe I ususally deal wit OCD. I am going to give myself a break this time. I just have to be aware not to fall back into old habits. You kind words mean a lot to me and thank you so much for you support. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Jennifer. I believe that would depend on the severity of your OCD. I am actually going to write a post about compulsions today. I can only say that when you compulse, for me at least, it is like feeding the beast. It can get to become a huge problem if you continue to compulse every time the OCD wants you to. It's very mush like being a drug addict. You compulse to chase away the anxiety. Like a person uses drugs to forget something or avoid something. As the person finds that the drugs offer a small fleeting relief they will do more drugs after the first drug wears off. Eventually they are full blown addicts using all the time, to avoid whatever it is that ails them until they can do nothing else but search for the high. Compulsions do much the same thing. They allow you a few moments peace. Then like drugs the peace wears off and you are doing them again and again until you feel the relief again. It can get so bad that you are no longer able to function normally and spend the whole day doing compulsions. It leaves you with no time for anything else. If you have a very small amount of OCD, this may not be the case but if like me you have it to a severe level it can become an uncontrollable monster. That is my experience anyway, some may not agree with me. T
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